In the Middle

Rage in My Soul

2007-02-13T21:15:20+01:00

Today I punched a wall. I punched a wall and made my knuckles bleed.
I told my Grandma, my dear sweet catholic Grandma, that the Information clerk at the train station was a c*nt that needed to be punched in the face, taken down and have his neck stamped on repeatedly.
God I've been so angry today. I'm not violent and I don't really wish any harm to the Information Clerk, but I am full of rage and it has nowhere to go. Like the rage I feel towards the wind and the rain. I got rage in my soul. Some people have rhythym - they have music in their souls - I have rage. I got rage in my soul.
And I try not to direct my anger towards inanimate objects (or unexpected but blameless situations) back at myself because I end up hurting myself, but today it didn't work. I punched the wall and now I am paying for it.
I got back to Sheffield after two weeks at my Mums. I love my Mum and I'm sure she loves me but she's not open or outwardly loving or cuddly or affectionate and she makes me screw up into a ball, even more into a ball than I already am. I stayed a lot of nights at my Grandma's while my Mum got drunk with her friends, who are great. I had an operation and two days after my operation (I had thrown up everything I'd eaten) I asked my Mum if she would cook me some pasta. She had a temper tantrum because she couldn't be bothered.
I guess the anger and the closed up old Bitch runs in the family.
I love my family, but I'm glad to be back - on my own - in a city, miles away from it all. Young and Free and Single. And away from Ducks. And Landrovers. And Mud. And Chickens.

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Gay Flat Share London

2007-02-03T21:00:35+01:00

It's fairly interesting that of all the associations Google Ads could have come up with following the Inane Drivel in my Blog, the best is 'Gay Flat Share London' I don't recall writing about London, or flat shares, though I am sure the term 'gay' has been used loosely to describe things, though not homosexuality.
A better ad congregated from Blog might have been "Pieces of Shit in Club Bitchwhore" or "Rich Waller eats Cadbury Balloon Dogs" or "Cat from Red Dwarf in Starlight Express" (interestingly, Cat from Red Dwarf did used to be in Starlight Express) or Possibly "Russian Landlord with Uzi shoots guy and pack of Dogs on Bouncy Castle in Manchester. Authorities obese and amused"

Now those would be some good Google Ads.

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Manchester

2007-01-28T23:21:17+01:00

I forget most of what I do.
One of my best mates, freakily, can tell me exactly what I did on a certain day three years ago, or four years ago, or even 10 years ago, if I want to know. I stayed with her in Manchester this weekend and she kept telling me things we'd done and talking about people I used to know (but have no recollection of!) This guy I'd shouted at and told to fuck off and leave me alone on a Bouncy Castle when I was 17. Another guy I went to school with who I couldn't remember at all. She even told me what myself and my mates talked about on a bus journey from Manchester to Lincoln two years ago, when she hadn't even been on the fucking bus! (I had told her about it at the time) It's well freaky.

We went to see Starlight Express, which we were obsessed with when we were 13. It was brilliant, again. We spent the entire weekend sober. We had this meal in the deadest Indian resturant ever before the theatre. (But nowhere's ever as dead as the empty chinese resturant that me, my brother and our mate ate in, in Foz do Iguassu, Brazil. The waiters looked well pissed off when we went in and then stood at stared at us eating with their arms folded looking evil, and played no music so that it was eerily quiet.)
The waiter last night was from Pakistan and didn't speak much English, and he was adorable - he was the sweetest man in the world. It was cold inside and the food was not brilliant, but the waiter was so sweet it made me want to cry. He told us how he liked 'England Country' because everyone was free and then he kept repeating himself about college and a visa because he couldn't speak much english. He broke my heart, but in a nice way.

The other day I cried because the Russian Authorities took this 5 year old boy away from a pack of Dogs that he had been raised by and put him in an orphanage. I cried for the Dogs, because they apparently spent weeks howling into the night because they couldn't understand what had happened to the boy. And it's times like that I feel like I'm 5 again. Those damn Dogs, and that damn Waiter. Breaking my Goddamn heart and making me 5 again.

I miss that bastard who is not a Bastard this weekend. I think I just miss being (physically) close to someone. God, I'm making myself want to throw up. But he hugged/held me I guess, and nobody hugs me (not my family, not my friends) because I won't let them. So I miss him for that, because now I have to go back to being a withered up old bitch with my big fuck off barriers and my reams of Guards with Uzis and Desert Eagles waiting to shoot the fuck out of anyone who tries to get in.

Work tomorrow then two weeks off.

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Oh Landy!

2007-01-19T19:05:40+01:00

This week has gone past really quickly and has been alright, as far as weeks go. Apart from someone at work really getting my back up yesterday by pointing out my every mistake like I was the stupidest person in the Universe as we know it for making them, which put me in a really bad mood.
Today though, get this, I had no money to go out, and I was moaning about it when paying my rent, so my Landlord gave me 20 quid! Gotta love him. He shagged my housemate too. I guess Landy's and housemates f.cking has it's benefits! Wicked! Love him! He is very horny. Gush. His Mum's well sweet too.
Anyway, so I am off out tonight and I wont have to make it the first weekend since I got back from Brasil in September that I haven't been out! Yay! Love Landy!
Love the Landy. What is with the word 'Landlord' anyway? Lord of the Land? How truely gay. Anyway, I haven't been thinking about that asshole of a f.ck buddy much at all these last couple of weeks, which is brilliant. I've had lots of other stuff to think about. I bought some new skates for Rio the other day, which probably wasn't wise.
Last night I actually got to sleep and slept for a full 6 hours, which is wicked.

Anyway, dinner.

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The county Midlandshire

2007-01-14T13:23:13+01:00

So it's been a fairly interesting couple of days. On Thursday I hardly slept because my housemate had a rather noisy threesome downstairs with two guys. Despite this I was in an unrealistically good mood on Friday (probably because it was Friday) and never has it felt so good to be the weekend. Saturday I went on an adventure to Birmingham for a hospital consultation which was hilariously difficult and amusing.

Firstly the foreign taxi I ordered from Bromsgrove station turned up after my appointment had started as the taxi driver had thought I said Redditch station. (Even though when I booked he had said "Bromgrove Station? 12:40? Yes, I will see you there!") Twat. He was also VERY weird. He looked like Cat from Red Dwarf right down to the pointy incisors and the big eery grin. God, that grin scared me. He didn't have a clue where the hospital was either. Some Taxi driver. He was driving down windy, empty, country roads. Alone in the car with Cat from Red Dwarf driving along desolate country roads. Great fun. Eventually we got there and he offered "If you like, I will take you back to the station when you need?" Big grin. Er no thanks, Mate..

So instead I got a taxi home with the most obese and gay sounding bloke in the world who instantly informed me there were no trains from Bromsgrove but he would drive me to Birmingham New Street for 20 quid. Probably he was ripping me off and there were trains, but I couldn't afford to find out. So an enjoyable 30 minutes with the fat, gay man. To break the uneasy silence I asked him some questions. One of which was "Is Birmingham in Worcestershire?" to which he replied "No, it's in the county Midlands."
The well known county Midlandshire.

I also spotted an amusing sign that said "For Cadbury World, follow Bournville."
No one else will find this amusing. And also, a pub called "The Emerald" which had an entirely purple sign, and I had to wonder what moron had come up with that. This too, nobody will find amusing.

I went out last night to see Mason at Plug (but it was just Zeros) I didn't know Mason but a French girl who loved him and had gone on her own to the club just to see him introduced me to the ways of him. I was a little (but not too) off my face and danced non-stop for about 2 hours with her, then I came home and slept.

Good times.

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My Anger sells the Big Issue

2007-01-11T23:00:19+01:00

I am fucking exhausted.
It was a hard day staring at my computer and taking phone calls from students and filling up printers with paper. But it was a goddamn breeze walking for miles in the dark, in the rain, through the cold streets of Sheffield to my Portuguese lesson and then walking home 2 hours later in the even colder darkness.
Today I have walked between 6 and 7 miles. When I got home I was FUCKING hungry.
I fucking hate the wind. The wind and the rain make me angry. I fucking hate when you have your umbrella up and the wind keeps jolting it around and blowing it inside out. It seriously insences me (like people whacking into me) but when it's the Wind that's pissing you off with it's unpredictable cuntyness your anger is in vain. It has nowhere to go. God, the amount of times I've walked to work being pissed at the wind, pissed at the rain. Bastards.

Anyway, as I say, I am exhausted. End of the week (nearly) and my Wifey (best friend) is going to take me out on saturday, yay!

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Who ate all the Pies?

2007-01-10T21:25:33+01:00

Something Gay this way Comes.
It's Rick Waller, and he's eating all the pies! God help us, Rick Waller's eating all the pies!
Has anyone (and by 'anyone' I mean 'any poor c.nt who accidently ends up reading my diary') seen Rick Waller on tv recently? If it's possible, he's even fatter and he's got long purple hair. And a beard. Could it get any worse? Poor bloke. The poor pies.
Who ate all the pies?
Rick ate all the pies. That's who.

My god, that was irrelevant. I am struggling to write my Personal Statement for university because I am a perfectionist and trying to be witty and include examples of homographs (or whatever they are) to back up my up-my-own-ass comments about the english language. It's obviously not working, because I'm on here writing about Rick fucking Waller for fucks sake. Who gives a shit about Rick Waller anyway? I know I don't.
It's wednesday, which means two days until the weekend. I want to go out but have no money, which is truely gay.
Anyway this is pointless.

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Because I'm Worth it.

2007-01-09T23:56:28+01:00

I don't need ANYBODY.

Some guy I shagged and treated like a c**t at the weekend keeps texting me. He's actually not a loser, but I'm still not interested. He's a bit young. Being that he's younger than me, a mere child some might say. Bless his soul, and what exactly have I turned into, anyway? Some bitch from club bitchwhore where they all wear nothing and think nothing and do nothing except shag? and be bitches? It's pretty hard to give new guys a chance when you feel like your heart is being manipulated by the weak, pathetic arm of some dick you kind of fell for after what was supposed to be a one night stand, 2 years ago. But just a little bit. I know nothing of real heartache. I'm sure I've got that to look forward to when I'm old and divorced, or widowed. Manipulated into what? A balloon animal.

I could hate him to get over it, but I have no reason to hate him, stupid bastard. I WANT him god damnit! and Katy gets what Katy WANTS! But not in this instance, apparently I'm just not good enough for him. I'm good enough and fucking better. I'm the fucking best. How dare he. Never mind. I only want him because I can't have him. I don't think I wanted him before he said he'd never go out with me. Hows that for fucking typical?

Men. I HATE women who say "Men!" I hate girls who pine after some loser guy who's not worth it. I hate THAT girl. I won't be her. But I can't shag around out of anger, either. It's gross and unfair and anyway, I use L'Oreal.

It's just so damn hard when you're 21 with sex on the brain.
What's a girl to do?

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Rate my Gormless Lump

2007-01-08T21:33:11+01:00

Ahhh, but isn't she a Gorgeous, Gormless Boneca, my little sister?

My friend just rang me to tell me about stick insects which masquerade as Shit, and told me she wished that in a past life she was a stick insect with the ability to look like a piece of shit 'cos then she could look in the mirror and think "Hell yeah, I'm a piece of shit"
So I told her in my last life I hoped I was an actual piece of shit, 'cos then I wouldn't be a poser like her. But she said I'd have no legs so it would be rubbish.
Anyway, we ended up having a minutes silence in rememberance of poos gone by, as suggested by our other friend who was listening to the conversation.
And this is what we discuss at the age of 21 on a Monday evening. Oh dear.

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Unprofound

2007-01-08T09:29:48+01:00

Well I wanted to start this Blog with something profound, but that's not going to happen. Although I feel currently like a bit of a mess, it's more like a scrambled egg mess than a deep meaning mess. It's also a mess I don't feel happy sharing with the world and so I have nothing to write.
It is dark outside and increasingly hard to get out of bed. I really don't understand how the shortest day of the year could be in December. Surely it's much darker in January and February? Maybe not.
February. The Green month. I hate it.
Well today I am going to take a deep breathe, grit my teeth, and do the thing I least want to do in the world. (But equally the only thing which is going to get me out of this horrible situation) I've said Goodbye to him before and it's never been Goodbye, and I always end up here. And 'Here' isn't fun. So I have to be strong.
I'm no good at that. But here goes.

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Please somebody take pity and help me

2007-01-05T00:21:31+01:00

Ok, well this is an entry.
I have been sitting staring at this f.cking site for about 2 hours wondering how the hell it works and I still don't have a f.cking clue. So I am hoping writing an entry, pointless though it may be, will help me on my journey of understanding.
It f.cking won't though, will it?
Oh, why isn't it simple, like my dear sweet Open Diary?
I'm sure nobody will read this, but, if they do....
HELP ME!
Oh God.
Bye

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