Today I punched a wall. I punched a wall and made my knuckles bleed.
I told my Grandma, my dear sweet catholic Grandma, that the Information clerk at the train station was a c*nt that needed to be punched in the face, taken down and have his neck stamped on repeatedly.
God I've been so angry today. I'm not violent and I don't really wish any harm to the Information Clerk, but I am full of rage and it has nowhere to go. Like the rage I feel towards the wind and the rain. I got rage in my soul. Some people have rhythym - they have music in their souls - I have rage. I got rage in my soul.
And I try not to direct my anger towards inanimate objects (or unexpected but blameless situations) back at myself because I end up hurting myself, but today it didn't work. I punched the wall and now I am paying for it.
I got back to Sheffield after two weeks at my Mums. I love my Mum and I'm sure she loves me but she's not open or outwardly loving or cuddly or affectionate and she makes me screw up into a ball, even more into a ball than I already am. I stayed a lot of nights at my Grandma's while my Mum got drunk with her friends, who are great. I had an operation and two days after my operation (I had thrown up everything I'd eaten) I asked my Mum if she would cook me some pasta. She had a temper tantrum because she couldn't be bothered.
I guess the anger and the closed up old Bitch runs in the family.
I love my family, but I'm glad to be back - on my own - in a city, miles away from it all. Young and Free and Single. And away from Ducks. And Landrovers. And Mud. And Chickens.