Today I punched a wall. I punched a wall and made my knuckles bleed.
I told my Grandma, my dear sweet catholic Grandma, that the Information clerk at the train station was a c*nt that needed to be punched in the face, taken down and have his neck stamped on repeatedly.
God I've been so angry today. I'm not violent and I don't really wish any harm to the Information Clerk, but I am full of rage and it has nowhere to go. Like the rage I feel towards the wind and the rain. I got rage in my soul. Some people have rhythym - they have music in their souls - I have rage. I got rage in my soul.
And I try not to direct my anger towards inanimate objects (or unexpected but blameless situations) back at myself because I end up hurting myself, but today it didn't work. I punched the wall and now I am paying for it.
I got back to Sheffield after two weeks at my Mums. I love my Mum and I'm sure she loves me but she's not open or outwardly loving or cuddly or affectionate and she makes me screw up into a ball, even more into a ball than I already am. I stayed a lot of nights at my Grandma's while my Mum got drunk with her friends, who are great. I had an operation and two days after my operation (I had thrown up everything I'd eaten) I asked my Mum if she would cook me some pasta. She had a temper tantrum because she couldn't be bothered.
I guess the anger and the closed up old Bitch runs in the family.
I love my family, but I'm glad to be back - on my own - in a city, miles away from it all. Young and Free and Single. And away from Ducks. And Landrovers. And Mud. And Chickens.
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SpideySi
- Wednesday, 14. Feb, 2007 @ 01:05:41
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juicygems
- http://www.myspace.com/purplegemprincess
- Tuesday, 20. Feb, 2007 @ 11:29:43
I also have rage in my soul. Right now, I keep fantasising about the many ways in which to kill my wanker ex boyfriend. Is that normal?
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SpideySi
- Wednesday, 28. Feb, 2007 @ 02:25:38
Perfectly normal I'd say...
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barneyrulz
- Thursday, 01. Mar, 2007 @ 21:50:58
lol, kewl, it must be nice to get away form them all and stuff..
i hope your hands are ok
Lydia xx -
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- Tuesday, 24. Apr, 2007 @ 22:12:56
think nice calming thoughts babe. or smoke a j.... !
x
Hey you - don't feel bad. Those hands OK?
Hmmm. Why is anger the quickest and easiest of emotions? It just leaps up at you so fast you often don't have time to prepare yourself do you? Don't you envy the calm and collected - the ones who never react. Actually, LOL, I don't envy them - they make me really mad!!
Is it perhaps a bottling up thing? From what you say about your Mum it sounds likely. There's a lack of freedom to express going on there right? Not a great display of the unconditional affection that parents should ideally show you - the kind that would have put that pasta on the table. I can sympathise although I don't speak to my mother any more - for her everything was conditional. However, my home life is characterised by one-way bursts of expression that I feel I have to swallow. Or sidestep. The rest of the time there is a chasm. Together alone! I kind of envy your solitude right now I think.
Have done that wall-walloping thing a few times though. Had a confrontation with my Stepdad in my teens. A real tinderbox job. He'd just stormed out of the room when I snapped and put my fist through my bedroom door. Felt awful afterwards. Sadly ripping some paper up or writing something is my pathetic equivalent of hitting the wall these days. A rampage would feel so much better!
Anyway, sleep tight. Take it easy with those hands tomorrow.